Some funny one-liners

• When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't Talk for a year and a half.
• The army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
• Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
• I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
• Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
• I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served.
• The road to success is always under construction.
• I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!
• Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
• Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Born free; Taxed to death.
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't have film.
• Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
• Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.
• I love being a writer... What I can't stand is the paperwork.
• A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
• The hardest part of skating is the ice.
• The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
• The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate it.
• If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?
• If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
• Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!
• If you can't convince them, confuse them.
• It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers)